I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Boobs speak an international language.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
