She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize