Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
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