I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
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