Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
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