I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
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