if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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