I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
