I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Randomize
