Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Randomize
