i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Randomize
