Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
