I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Randomize