I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
So I just went to clothing optional bar
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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