I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize