Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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