just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize