1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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