Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
