I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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