The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
