Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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