i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
