I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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