I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
Randomize
