Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
