I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Randomize
