8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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