i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Randomize
