i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Why is your signature on my underwear?
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
