where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Randomize
