i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
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