I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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