Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Randomize
