No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
