My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
