fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Randomize
