Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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