I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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