I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Randomize
