What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Randomize
