hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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