she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
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