I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Just high enough for therapy.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
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