You're my little dorito
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
He? As in you personified your dick?
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
as a side note pls kill me
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
