You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
