i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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