seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
My ass is underappreciated
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