yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Randomize
