That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
Randomize
