pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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