The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
