I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
Randomize
