chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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