In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
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