like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Come on in and take your pants off
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