My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Randomize
