Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
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