LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Randomize
