answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
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