Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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