the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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