I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
