My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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